Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.