Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
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Carpe DM
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.