That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!