Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
You Might Also Like
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.