For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
You Might Also Like
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.