Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.