Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
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“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.