Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Lmbo
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
when revenge coincides with naptime
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.