6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I hope it’s French Onion!
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
How I like cutting carbs