Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I have a new favorite meme page
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??