It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)