“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
You Might Also Like
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I only treason on days ending in y
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
#TopTip
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Breaking news:
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”