I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
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Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.