I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
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sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
you will never know the true number of layers
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong