After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean