My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.