chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.