San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.