me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
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calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE