I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.