Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
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i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Tremendous stuff
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
finally found a reasonable question
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.