Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
This has made my week.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*