I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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Hey Fugeddaboutit
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.