I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
You Might Also Like
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.