Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
remember
only for emergencies
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.