Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
You Might Also Like
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
what are they serving at kfc then???
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk