[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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love it when they get my name right
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??