Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.