i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.