I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You Might Also Like
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
classic mixup
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???