I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
You Might Also Like
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
We have a winner.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps