[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep