went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“I FIXED IT!”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I feel seen.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge