It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?