I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.