after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp