My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*