Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
what’s really going on
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably