To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.