I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”