Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
😂🤣😂🤣
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son