“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.