I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
You Might Also Like
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.