Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
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I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Squirrels before girls.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
This could be us but you eatin’
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
WWE is French for “yes”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.