According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
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funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.