If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that