[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
You Might Also Like
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect