5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.