My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.