Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
This meeting could have been a cake
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.